Какая разница
Aug. 25th, 2018 12:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
arbekaКакая разница между специалистом по генеалогии и гинекологом?
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"What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up family trees. A gynecologist looks up bushes."
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Пасусь в прериях.
Некоторые шуточки даже понятны...
https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/?count=25&after=t3_99zqff
........................
"What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up family trees. A gynecologist looks up bushes."
..............................
Пасусь в прериях.
Некоторые шуточки даже понятны...
https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/?count=25&after=t3_99zqff
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
My black friend and I
Date: 2018-08-25 10:39 am (UTC)enviado hace 18 horas por terry-tea
I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar
Date: 2018-08-25 10:40 am (UTC)This lady at the pub...
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
Two men fell madly in love
Date: 2018-08-25 10:41 am (UTC)They went to the woman and demanded she choose between them.
The woman told the two men that they were young and inexperienced, they should both go all the way around the world at least once before she could decide.
The first man immediately went home, began packing, and booked a the first flight out of the country.
The second man went home, but returned to the woman the next day and walked a circle around her. He looked into her eyes and told her that she was the whole world to him.
Who do you think she chose?
Answer: The rich one
Boobs are like legos
Date: 2018-08-25 10:42 am (UTC)They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
You evil Japanese started World War 2
Date: 2018-08-25 10:44 am (UTC)Once two dudes, a Jew and a Chinaman were talking.
J: You evil Japanese started World War 2 by bombing Pearl Harbour.
C: I'm Chinese, not Japanese.
J: But you all look the same.
C: Well you sunk the Titanic.
J: That was an iceberg.
C: Iceberg, Goldberg, Bloomberg, its all the same to me.
Re: You evil Japanese started World War 2
Date: 2018-08-25 12:25 pm (UTC)Dude
From:Re: Dude
From:английский слэнг включает
From:Re: английский слэнг включает
From:украинский извод
From:Re: украинский извод
From:until I told her what kind of car I lived in.
Date: 2018-08-25 02:07 pm (UTC)I mean everything was going great at our first dinner date until I told her what kind of car I lived in.
Stop wearing my underwear.
Date: 2018-08-25 02:13 pm (UTC)Stop wearing my underwear.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 02:18 pm (UTC)enviado hace 3 horas por Cocktus_haze
the young boy was too loud, whenever he wanted to be taken to the toilet he shout out to his mum inappropriately "Mum I wanna pee". The mother got embarrassed everytime he said that specially infront of friends or family, so she taught him to use the word "whisper" instead of "pee". Once in a family meeting... kid shouts: I wanna whisper the grandfather replied: Come whisper in my ears son.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:34 pm (UTC)enviado hace 1 día por fakakta77
The teacher asks the students to talk about how they can improve their sleep.
Cindy raises her hand and says “I have a lot of nightmares so I often don’t get a good sleep.” The teacher asks “and what can you do to improve that?” Cindy replies “I can stop reading scary stories before bed - that’s what my mom told my brother to do when she found out he was having nightmares.” The teacher says “very good, Cindy! Who’s next?”
Albert puts up his hand and says “I’ve been sleeping in too much lately because I’m too tired in the morning.” “And what can you do to improve that?” the teacher asks. Albert responds “I can go to sleep earlier - that’s what my mom told my sister to do when she kept sleeping in.” The teacher says “that’s great Albert! Anyone else?”
Little Johnny puts up his hand and says “I’ve been sleeping over at my friends’ houses a lot, and I just don’t sleep as well as I do in my own bed.” The teacher asks “what can you do to improve that?” Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says “I guess I can go fuck myself - that’s what my mom told my dad to do when she found out he was sleeping around all over town.”
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:38 pm (UTC)enviado hace 20 horas por TJFblue
A chaste, young reverend's daughter marries a strapping young Greek man. Her conservative mother worries, and, considering herself a bit more worldly than her daughter, was worried about their...nightly nuptials.
"So, um," starts the mother, "Have you two been...you know...having intimate relations?"
"Yes, mother," says the daughter.
"He...he...hasn't been trying to do it in...in the...other hole, has he?"
"No, mother."
"Oh, thank heavens."
"He says you can get pregnant that way."
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:40 pm (UTC)enviado hace 19 horas por Peakey0823
Sperm Bank Employee (SBE): "What glass of milk?"
Me: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
SBE: "Oh my god!"
Me: "What?"
SBE: "You drank my glass of milk!
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:42 pm (UTC)enviado hace 1 día por FarazR90
it's $3.95 a minute
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:47 pm (UTC)enviado hace 16 horas por cld8
Johnny goes to school on the first day of second grade. The teacher asks each student to say their name.
Johnny replies, "my name is Johnny Fuckhour".
The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him that such language will not be tolerated.
"But that's my name," he protests. "If you don't believe me, go ask my brother in the fifth grade."
So the teacher marches him over to the fifth grade classroom and asks the fifth grade teacher, "do you have a Fuckhour in here?"
One of the students replies, "oh, no, we don't even have a nap time."
if they had a Sexhauer.
Date: 2018-08-25 04:48 pm (UTC)Boobs are like soda
Date: 2018-08-25 04:49 pm (UTC)enviado hace 21 horas por RayaanK
No one likes them flat.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:52 pm (UTC)enviado hace 21 horas por tHEgAMER09
MAID: -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?
ME: -Tea pls.
MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?
ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.
MAID: -How do U want it, black or white?
ME: -White....
MAID: -Milk or fresh cream?
ME: -With milk.
MAID: -Goat milk or cow milk?
ME: -Cow’s milk.
MAID: -Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
ME: -Uhm, lemme go with freeze land cow.
MAID: -Would U like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
ME: -Sugar.
MAID: -Bee sugar or cane sugar?
ME: -Cane sugar
MAID: -White, brown or yellow sugar?
ME: -Aiyo! forget about the tea, just give me a glass of water...
MAID: -Mineral, tap or distilled water?
ME: -Mineral water.
MAID: -Flavored or non flavored?
ME: -In fact, get me an empty glass!
MAID: -Do you want a tumbler, wine glass, champagne flute or a beer mug?
ME: -Free me, I will swallow my spit..."
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 07:18 pm (UTC)'What do you mean by Cauchy theorem?' answered Ashenden. It is like asking me if I like poetry. I like Keats and Wordsworth… When you say Cauchy theorem, do you mean Cauchy's integral formula, or Cauchy's mean value theorem, or Cauchy's theorem (group theory), or Cauchy's theorem (geometry) on rigidity of convex polytopes, or the Cauchy–Kovalevskaya theorem concerning partial differential equations, or the Cauchy–Peano theorem in the study of ordinary differential equations, or just Cauchy theorem?'
'Cauchy theorem', replied R., a man of few words.
My Biology teacher told me ants are female
Date: 2018-08-25 05:06 pm (UTC)enviado hace 22 horas por johnnyshocker
The males are called uncles
Me and girls are like parallel lines.
Date: 2018-08-25 05:19 pm (UTC)enviado hace 16 horas por TheRandomAdscom
We never touch.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 05:21 pm (UTC)enviado hace 20 horas por DVineInc
Adele-scent
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 05:28 pm (UTC)enviado hace 15 horas por trex-19
I guess you could say I’m a little ricist
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 09:37 pm (UTC)enviado hace 24 minutos por gelia12376
Even the cake was in tiers.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 09:52 pm (UTC)enviado hace 3 horas por gillenha
One day, the sexual tension between him and his secretary gets to be too much to bear, and in the middle of the work day they rush out in secret, grab a hotel, and fuck all afternoon. The sex was so good that both of them pass out. When the man wakes up, he realizes it's 7:00 pm, and he's late for dinner.
Realizing that his wife is going to be very angry at him and demand to know where he's been, he decides to take his shoes and run them through the grass outside as much as he can. After his shoes get good and scuffed with grass, he drives home.
His wife, predictably, is there waiting for him, and madder than the fire of a thousand suns. His food is on the table, already cold. She is holding a frying pan, and demands to know where he was.
"Honey," he said. "I'm not going to lie to you. I was having sex with my secretary all afternoon in a hotel. That is the unvarnished truth."
Suspicious, his wife looks him up and down. Then she notices the grass stains on his shoes.
"You lying sack of shit," she says. "You've been off playing golf, haven't you!"
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 09:54 pm (UTC)enviado hace 4 horas por SillhouetteBlurr
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
I have heard of Viagra.
Date: 2018-08-25 10:01 pm (UTC)enviado hace 5 horas por infamous_eleven
A black villager asks him:
Villager: I have heard of Viagra. What is that?
Doctor: It’s a pill that helps you make love 3 times a day.
Villager: Aha... so it’s a sedativ...
A woman and her lover were in bed
Date: 2018-08-26 08:10 am (UTC)enviado hace 12 minutos por VictoryStar34
The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room. “Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked. “I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied. The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
“Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!”
no subject
Date: 2018-08-26 08:26 am (UTC)enviado hace 5 horas por OnlyChaseReddit
I’m lightning because I always come first